You don't expect your child to grow up to be a heroin addict.

From the moment of her birth, you have hopes and dreams about the future, but they never include heroin addiction. That couldn't happen

to your child, because addiction is the result of a bad environment,

bad parenting.

 

There is most definitely someone or something to blame.

 

你當然不會希望你的孩子長大後成為一個吸毒者。從她出生開始,你就憧憬和夢想著她的未來,但無論這個未來是怎樣的,肯定都不會包含吸毒這一條。

 

你覺得吸毒這種事情肯定不會發生在你的孩子身上,因為吸毒通常是糟糕的環境,糟糕的父母所造成的。一個孩子成為吸毒者,幾乎肯定要怪一些人或事。

 

That's what I used to believe. But after failed rehab and long periods of separation from my heroin-addicted daughter, after years of holding my breath, waiting for another relapse, I now believe there is no blame.

 

我以前也是這麼想的,但在女兒戒毒康復失敗並且我們分隔了很長一段時間以後,在多年的膽戰心驚生怕女兒毒癮再度復發之後,我終於相信,其實無需去責備。

 

After Katie admitted her addiction, I struggled to understand how this could have happened to my daughter — a bright, beautiful, talented and most importantly, loved young woman. When the initial shock wore off,

I analyzed and inventoried all the whys and hows of Katie's addiction.

 

當初女兒承認她在吸毒的時候,我也曾激烈地思想掙扎過,我不敢相信這樣的事情會發生在我女兒的身上,要知道,她是一個聰明漂亮的女孩子,而且,更重要的是,我愛她。

 

最初的震驚過後,我開始分析和總結女兒染上毒癮的原因。

 

I searched for someone or something to blame. I blamed her friends.

I blamed her dad. I blamed our divorce. But mostly, I blamed myself.

My desperate heart convinced me that I should have prevented

Katie's addiction, and that given another chance, I could correct

my mistakes.

 

我內心絕望地想找到可以把這事情歸咎於的物件,就像溺水之人尋找救命稻草一樣,我責怪她的父親,我責怪我們的離婚;但我最多的還是責怪自己。

 

我認為自己本應阻止女兒的吸毒的,我多麼希望有重頭再來的機會,那樣我就能糾正我所犯下的錯誤。

 

When Katie came home from rehab, I approached each day with the zeal of a drill sergeant. I championed the 12-step program and monitored her improvement daily as though curing heroin addiction was as simple as nursing a cold. I drove her to therapy sessions and AA meetings.

 

所以,女兒從戒護所回到家中後,我便每天都以極大的熱情投入生活。我全心全意地按照「12步程式」說的做,努力讓自己相信治癒海洛因上癮跟治癒感冒一樣容易。我開車送她去心理治療和互助小組。

 

I controlled everything and left nothing to chance. But in spite of my efforts, Katie didn't get better. She left my home, lost again to the powerful grip of addiction.

 

我努力控制一切因素,不讓事情有變糟的任何機會。

 

但最終我的努力還是白費了,女兒並沒有像我想像的那樣變得好起來,她離開家,又一次走向了毒品。

 

In the long days, weeks and months that followed, I gathered bits and pieces of old beliefs and tried to assemble them into something whole. Sometimes I gave up, and sometimes I simply let go. Gradually, my search for blame changed to a longing for hope. I comforted myself with the only thing that still connected me to my daughter: love.

 

在此後的漫長日子裏,我努力拾掇內心已破碎的往日的信仰,試圖將它們拼湊成強大的信念。有時我放棄了,有時我幾乎不想再繼續了,想一切就隨它去吧。但漸漸的,以往那種四處尋找責備對象的心理消失了,我開始遙望遠方的希望。

 

我開始告訴自己,無論如何,有一件事情是永遠不會改變的:我愛我的女兒。

 

I thought about Katie every day, and I missed her. I cried, and worried about her safety and whereabouts. I wrote letters I knew she'd never see. Sometimes I woke up panicked in the middle of the night, certain that my mother's intuition was preparing me for something bad. But through it all, I loved her.

 

我每天都想著我的女兒。我哭過,我擔心她的行蹤和安全。我一封封寫著她永遠也不會看到的信。有時候我在半夜從睡夢中驚醒,內心驚恐無比,感覺不好的事情就要降臨到女兒的身上。

 

但無論如何,我都深愛著她。

 

I don't know why or how my daughter became addicted to heroin; I

do know that it doesn't really matter. Life goes on, and Katie is still

my daughter.

 

我不知道女兒怎麼會染上毒癮;但我知道這並不重要,生活還是會繼續,女兒永遠都是我的女兒。

 

Katie and I meet for breakfast on Friday mornings now. We drink coffee and talk. I don't try to heal her. I just love her. Sometimes there is pain and sorrow, but there is no blame. I believe there is only love.

 

現在,每週五的早晨女兒都會和我共進早餐。我們會喝咖啡,聊天。

 

我不再像往常那樣努力試圖去「治癒」她。

 

我只是全心全意地愛她。

 

生活中仍時有傷痛,但無需責備,只要用心去愛。

 


 

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